From reading, writing, and the basics of arithmetic, there is a lot to learn in elementary school. However, it’s the lessons learned about crushes and crushing that we’re going to focus on right now because millennials, we got some very mixed messaging via the pop culture we digested during those years between freaking out over Ariel losing her voice in a bad business deal and what’s to come in the next episode – the horrors of middle school adolescence. However, before we get to junior high lows, let’s review the lessons learned about crushes in elementary school, the millennial edition.
Life is a Fairy Tale
The delusion of Disney was strong with our generation because we were served the cream of the crop, and we truly believed that no matter what – a happily ever after was inevitable.
Love is the Goal
Disney also taught us that love was an end goal. Yes, there were other things to do, but without love – do those things matter? Saving your dad from being a prisoner, keeping colonizers from invading your home, rescuing a whole country. Those are all great, but…LOVE.
Write it Down in a Diary
Was Doug the inspiration behind Britney Spears’ “Dear Diary?” We’re going to say…yes.
Being Mean is Attractive
Helga G. Pataki made Arnold’s life less than stellar, but it was all for love. In reality, never do that.
The All-American Type is Key
Child stars from the ‘90s that almost every kid loved back in the day all oozed All-American charm next door from JTT to Topanga Lawrence.
Love is Innocent
Those same stars also delivered a sense of innocence, and when you’re that age – love is just that but man, oh man…cue Avril Lavigne because it gets complicated.
Dedication Above Everything
Once you were drafted by a particular boy band, you were their fangirl for life and had to defend them at every turn; from the school bus to the cafeteria and everywhere in between. If you didn’t, they wouldn’t love you.
You Can Love Based on Just Immediate Attraction
Boy bands also taught us how to pick our type (out of 3-5) based on how cool the members looked. Tattoos not for you? You’re in luck because only one of them has a lot of those and there are four other guys to choose from!
They’re Singing to YOU
Never forget that those pop stars are singing those songs, the songs they likely did not pen, directly to you.
Beasts Will Change
Mean people will change their ways if you give them time and agree to live as their hostage. Disney, really?
Crushgasm 
Leave a comment