The Silent College Crush

Just to be clear, this crush was not someone I kept secret. If you talked to me freshman year, you knew I was ready to give my heart to a guy in my English class. It was silent because I can’t remember saying a single word to him for a whole ass semester, and we often sat across from one another in the hallway before class. I’m not sure why I was as silent as Ariel after signing on Ursula’s dotted line, but whenever I saw him, nothing could emerge from my lips other than a tremble. Unlike our guest this week, Bella Maori, I didn’t have the guts to say a word to my college crush. Well, she more or less had to talk to hers – more on that later. For now, let’s talk about Cameron, the college crush I wished on every star was the one back in the fall of 2005. 

If you’ve ever watched the Fox series ‘House,’ then imagine the Vicodin addicted doctor’s BFF Wilson, and that was Cameron. Only no more than 19. Big brown doe eyes, a bob of brown white guy hair, and a slim build that wasn’t too tall or too short. To 18-year-old me, he was perfect and the first crush I’d had as a college student at CSU Northridge. Gone was every boy I ever loved growing up and in their place was a buffet of boys from who-knows-where. However, high school crushes were way easier to maneuver because you had class with them five days a week, and in a smallish city setting…you knew them for some time or could hear tales from other kids who had. Here? I had no clue whether or not Cameron cried the first day of middle school or what awkward early 2000s clothing item he regretted. I’d never know because I could never muster up the courage to even say hello, let alone smile in his direction. 

Hell, I didn’t even do that growing up as I’m a naturally quiet ass person. I don’t take to new people or situations right away. I’ve always sort of needed a social interaction companion to kickstart most conversations. I mean, my mom was the one to initiate the initial conversation with my first friend while we waited on a bench outside the kindergarten classroom during registration, my best friend always flew higher as a social butterfly, and my guy is the one with the friendlier face today. I’m sort of clueless on my own as to how to handle regular situations let alone the romantical kind in many cases so absolutely nothing blossomed with Cameron that semester. I did get my first boyfriend that year over winter break but it was over as soon as it started. Sorry, I wanted to meet Seth Cohen and not hang out with you…

Anyways, Cameron is and will always be the first boy I remember when I think about a college crush though because he was just that, the first. I think in many ways you really can’t forget that first person who catches your eye outside the confines of your childhood, right? A college crush is your first sort of adult crush in which zero parental permission is needed to proceed forward unless you’re like insanely religious but churchgoers aside…that’s probably why those crushes are bigger deals at the time than we even realize. Do I wish I could’ve won Cameron over with my TV addict ramblings and concert-going? Oh, 100%, but for some almost every crush stays just that…an admiration from across the hallway while you sit in an anxious state of silence. 


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