When 99% of your crushes never worked out, you don’t have much to go off of to write about. So I had to pull out an oldie but goodie where I gave thanks to the crushes who either didn’t know I existed or always liked someone else.
Eight years ago I went to PaleyFest, heard Mindy Kaling speak of not dating much when she was coming up and that she attributed that to her success in many ways. With parties and boyfriends not being her norm, she was able to study more. Five years ago I wrote a post on Tumblr (and later on Fandomania, and again on Exploring Adulthood) sort of starting this growing list of “thank yous” to guys I’d liked over the years who did not like me back – by really no fault of their own as they did not know of my feelings at the time.
However, I’m sure they would not have returned the sentiments even if they had. It’s always been my go-to point when talking about this topic and here it is again with some timely edits and additions…
…Do I wish I married my elementary school crush? Oh no. He went into the military and that would’ve caused me too much worry. His body is phenomenal though. What? Post that on Facebook, and I think it’s my duty to America to see what’s protecting our…oil? Whatever they’re over there for. Plus, he’s married and expecting now and I am happy to see he ended up with what seems like a nice girl.
What about the boy who held my attention all three years of middle school? Do I wish my initials were KRF now? Nope. Unlike Mr. Military, this dude doesn’t capture my hormones anymore. Maybe it was the puberty I was going through at the time that caused him to steal my teenage heart. Plus, he has kids, and have you seen that process? Oh no Mr. Middle, you are not worth all that pain. However, I wish he was my first kiss. *Cher voice* If I could turn back time…
Then there’s high school…There are a few in those four years that I’ll thank one day in a publication. The male cheerleader. I know what you’re thinking, but he has been with the same girl since high school. The theater dude. That’s the class we met in and he was this chunky boy who was hilarious and played too much basketball. At one point I think he thought he was black because he liked rap music. Anyways, today he’s dropped the weight and added a girl, who I’d like to believe wouldn’t have liked him back in the day. That’s my theory and I’m sticking to it. Last one, the younger guy. He was an ass and hated all the same people I did. Fast forward to today and he’s married to a bigger girl. Damn, did I have a chance? If he didn’t live across the country could I be his mistress? Probably not, I’m not that Melrose Place cool.
College came and went without any major crushes. There were cute guys here and there in classes, but as I sit and type this (for the third time now), I can’t for the life of me recall a name to search on Facebook/Twitter/Tumblr/FBI files. So no real thanks here, but I once said I’d thank my first boyfriend one day, and I think I will take the time to do so now. He was the first crush I had that went somewhere and for that, I am forever grateful. It was the first time in my life I felt pretty. Who knew it would take 18 years for that. After a few months though, we were done and I spent almost a decade feeling less than once again. Too bad he couldn’t have been my Seth Cohen like I’d wanted.
In the years that followed college, I’ve added a pair of guys to my thank yous. The bus boy. Not a literal bus boy at the local Applebee’s, a guy I rode the bus with. I tried to talk to him once and I failed. Damn my awkward attempt. The other being Golden Boy. I met him at a contract job and after a month of silence talked to him, not in that way. Have you read the above? I don’t talk to boys in that way. I invited him to a taping of Jimmy Kimmel Live! with me and he didn’t make it. Do you know how much anxiety I felt hitting “send” on that Facebook message?! The Killers, oh you could’ve been magical but he “had to work.” I put quotations because I believe he just didn’t want to go with me. Whatever, I still got soul.
Then there was my first. The second crush to be known, the first boy to make me feel desirable in a way you’re supposed to feel when you reach a particular age. I thank him for the time, for the lessons, for being there at a time in my life when I was staying up too late trying to avoid the next day coming because the work I had then made me feel like shit; completely useless. Thanks to him for being there to talk to at 3am when the rest of the world slept, thanks to him for being a lesson in falling fast and hard. Thanks to him for opening me up to other possibilities because to paraphrase the great Wendy Williams, you’ll get over your first as soon as you move on to your second.
Which I did and as I continued to move forward, I landed on the man I am with now and for that, I am thankful to all the guys who were oblivious to my affection towards them, broke it off, or treated me like shit because today I have found the man I know will be my last crush…well on regular guys because celebrities, I will never stop loving you, Jesse Eisenberg…
Going back to Cher, I wish I could turn back time at certain points in my life but in a lot of these crush cases, I don’t think I would. I feel like my crushes when I was younger are cute notes in my history like kindergarten pictures or my favorite lunch boxes, while the ones as I got older were more awkward phases and life lessons that got me to where I am today. And again, I am thankful for that because, without the ones that didn’t work out, I wouldn’t have the only one I ever needed to.
Crushgasm 
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